was running through ma drawers when i saw syah's report book. *grins* seeing her innocent picture, the girl i knew since primary school. i smiled ta maself ta stop those tears from rolling down. it hurts ta think of the pain she has ta go through and here i am not being able ta do anything. the promise we gfs made taa each other that we'll be here fer one another no matter wad happens, and syah would start singing this verse fer me.

keep holding on, cause you know we'll make it through.

just stay strong, cause you know im here fer you.

there's nothing you can say, or nothing you can do

there's no other way when it comes ta the truth.

so imei stop it. remember we're all in this shiit together.

argh, i feel so shiitty insidd. i force bestie ta follow me ta visit syah. but she's just so malas at times giving me stupidstupid excuses that i really feel like slapping her face:) and kecik;s asking me ta accompany her on wed but, i dun like her gf. oh god. anyways babe, get well soon. i miss you oh so very much. will visit you soon & i'll buy a pram fer you okays. hee. but really. till the day you recover, ma mind will never be at peace. 

and so, came home straight from work today. just felt like lazying around and watch jumper / chuckiee. and guess wad, i freaking managed ta dig some stupid silly pics we had, haha. that's when everyone was still so called "innocent looking" !

Labels: memories i hold

i hate the feeling of knowing the truth. truth about things you never imagine someone would do. i really sometimes wish everything would just stop, stop being a fucker. i've got stupid dumb acting people around me. pretending ta be all nice and helpful. always ever ready ta be faking a smile, oh how cute!!! i know i've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too. if this is the game you wanna play, than dude, i'll play it the way you want it ta be. it's nice ta know you were there ta lead me a helping hand, thanks fer acting like you cared! you know i would never wish bad things, but i dont wish you well. could you tell, by the flames that burned your words? it was you who chose ta end it like you did. so flykite bro, we'll see who gets the last laugh. 

i feel crappy inside. those things that i found out can really cut like a knife. im sorry mum & dad fer bottling things up ta maself all this while. i never wanna tell you guys wads going on in ma working life. reasons were because i never wanna make you both worry. you've always been telling me ta work hard and be somebody someday.. i wanna prove ta you that yes fer once, i can do something good in life cause i've always been giving you nothing but trouble all ma life. i try hard ta make it, i just wanna make you both proud. but at the end of day, im crushed. i try not ta think about the pain i feel inside cause i never like letting you see me cry, i know it pains your heart.. i tried holding everything back. but it never crossed ma mind that i could never hide anything from you both. all you did was ta look at me and took me inta ya arms, right where i belong. i hate not being able ta stand up fer maself. not being able to fight fer ma rights and believes. being stabbed in the back and pretending ta be alright when im not. i dun wanna be the softhearted girl, letting ma emotions take over me.. i just wish this feeling would go away. but thank you fer giving me the faith when it's gone, being ma hope and picking me up every single time i fall. please believe me when i say i love you both more than anything else in the world.. 

i feel so shit and crap, it's hurts me seeing her cry. i cant bear fer everything ta end just like that. things was way than perfect for the both of you. why this... again? im not angry at you, but it just pisses me off after wad you texted. it's your happiness you're fighting fer, not mine. remember that. yes, parents are important. i totally understand. im not telling you ta go against them but the very least you could do is, talk ta them and explain... you tell me you cant bear hearing her cry. but wad are you doing about it? i honestly hate seeing ma sister having dark rings below her eyes every morning. and i hate trying ta make her laugh and pretending ta be happy in front of me when she's not. sheessh! let me tell you how much heart breaking she's feeling yogaraj! you were her favourite hello and the hardest goodbye, gedit?!! if i can knock ya head and put some sense inta it, i freaking would laa.

and ta you ma love, no matter wad happens. i told you once, i'll tell you once more. i'll always be here fer you even thou i can you know, piss the shit outta you at times, but yes, i'll be ya shoulder ta cry on and i'll bring more tissues along with me ( you know i nvr have tissues in ma bag, haha ) ta wipe every single teardrop of yours. bare this in mind. if you're meant ta be together, he will be back someday, somehow. but if things dont turn out the way you imagined it ta be, let it go. be strong. i promise, i'll be ya light when in time of darkness. i love you babe. xoxoxo.

i feel so bad thinking wad i almost did ta viki. im so so sorry love. really, being so harsh towards you and stuff. *slapsface* amirah, learn how ta control ya temper! gosh. no no, i dont have a temper, like wad ayun said. talk all you want, but push that red button and you're gone. hahas. im not that bad kn! hmps. hees. 

okay, so lets just put all the unhappiness aside, tomorrow's friday. wuhoo! and and, im going out on sat. weeeeheeee! with with, ma annoying yet loveable sister amy emelda, shah and duh, ayun. heees. so so fun kn. i know(: i love love you people oh so veryvery much.

and when 27/04 comes, i hope i wont get nightmares. hahahas. so sis, applied fer ya freaking leave already?? hahaha, we're gonna have a mother and daughter outing! errrrr, like wth right. i know, fer me. cause i'll end up being bash right, left, center by mummy and you sis. but you know how much i actually love you right? in case you ferget. cause i totally understand how silly you actually are. i'l repeat maself once more okay. DEAR AMY EMELDA. I, NUR AMIRAH, love you so so much that even if i can kill you at times, i would(: hees. sweet kn? *heartmelts* hahas, kidding laa, muacks.

you know you love me, 

goodbyes.

i dont feel like working tomorrow. sheesh!! *cries*

argh, why is it so hard ta let it go? someone tell me why!! seriously, we agreed ta remain as friends, yes. JUST FRIENDS. but somehow something is just not right. he asked me out, out ta the movies. conversation went like this.

cikopek ... you, bler nk kua.

` huh? with me?

cikopek ... yelah, dgn sape lagy? slenge ah you ney.

` oh, sorry laa pandai! dont know.

cikopek ... haha, ape yg you tau, you blang i.

` errr, that you're a bum? hahaha.

cikopek ... ape i, you ah idiot! i'll fix the date and inform you, make yourself free.

` haha! you serious? with fad & din also eh?

cikopek ... yes la. no, just you and me only.

` you and me only? errr, okay laa. but like. tkper2.

cikopek ... yes amirah salman! like wad, kite je laa, romantic kn.

` annoying old man, eh who wanna be romantic with you!

cikopek ... old man your head! why tak nak? tkmo laa marah, you nk kiss?

` cause i dont want! want kiss fer wad, go kiss aqidah laa!

cikopek ... eh, dont talk about her can?! da lah. i'll call you soon.

` lalala, okay. i'll think about it. bye.

errrrr, HELP?! wad's on he's mind. i wanna know, badly. *shackheads*

okays. so lets just start by saying...

THANK YOU sis fer the name and fer not making me work ma dead brains.. and ya, i have ta admit im silly at times -.- but but i LOVE you EMELDA (:

i miss school, i miss ma girls. i miss being thrown out of class. i miss doing detention. i miss being late fer school. i miss all the silly fun we had. i miss fighting with the girls over stupid reasons. i wish i could turn back time and just let everything stop !  gosh. if only i could, i would.

today was cool, stupid work with crazy colleagues. i suddenly have fears for EMAILS now. haha.. headed to far east after work with kakak ayun fer dinner together with that silly sister of mine. we had fun, im sure we did. haha. recalling the conversation me and kak ayun had ytd.. she went. "kecik, you're coming 18 soon. so wad have you learn about life so far?" and i didnt have a clue or wadsoever. but now i do. i finally understood that a friend walks in when everyone else walks out and that with true friends, even water drunk together is sweet enough. 

i just sometimes wish that life would be fair, fair enough fer us ta be with the ones we love.. babes are asking me how are things between him & me, and i would just laugh it away and change the topic.. well, some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting everything go. lets just keep it simple. a boy and a girl can be just friends but at one point or another one of them will fall for the other, maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late or maybe, just maybe.. forever. i just miss him. *screams* but like wad sis always say, shit happens..

oh well, i wanna go to the cinema!! i have like a few movies i wanna watch badly. it's been ages since i last caught one.. *grins* and yes, kims' finally pregnant. Wuhooo :D

goodbyes.